Slayers-How to Impress a Woman

How to Impress a Woman.

Filia watched with the proud eyes of a mother as Val ran through the playground with his arms out, playing tag with the other kids and generally having the time of his life. She'd been determined to give him the childhood he'd never had, but she'd been so worried. He'd only started school a few weeks ago and it was as if she'd been holding her breath for something to go wrong. She kept thinking that he might… oh say, accidentally transform and burn a hole in the wall or something. You know, the little things moms worry about.

But things seemed to be going well. Val was adapting and making friends, no one was giving him any trouble there, and he had a home and a family now.

Well, sort of.

She broke her gaze away from Val to give a sidelong glance to the person on the bench next to her. This probably looked normal. Sure, they didn't seem too different from any of the other parents watching their kids play. But a dragon and a monster sitting peacefully on a park bench is anything but normal.

It looked normal. By this point it even felt normal. That was the scary part.

"He's got all the strength necessary to terrorize this playground," Xellos observed, pointing idly at Val with one of his hands draped over the back of the bench, "but he follows the bigger kids around. Have you noticed that?"

"I don't want him to be a schoolyard bully!" Filia answered, incensed.

"Really?" Xellos said. "Don't you want him to live up to his potential?"

"Not that kind of potential!" Filia retorted.

"You've always been so closed-minded," Xellos commented with a little disapproving click of his tongue.

Filia privately thought that this was an unfair accusation. Letting the creature that murdered thousands of your race share your house, your meals, and your bed didn't sound closed-minded to her. In fact, it sounded dangerously and stupidly open-minded.

And none of this really should have happened. She was not the type of person who would've let something like this happen to her. And yet, here they were. Whenever she tried to put in to words how they'd gotten there it never made much sense.

And she didn't know why Xellos bothered with it all. Not just… well, the two of them. There was kind of a silent understanding about that. But he'd seemed oddly willing to insinuate himself into her entire life. You'd think that a monster would have better things to do then play with a dragon child in his off hours.

Perhaps he's just in it for the mayhem, Filia thought sourly. Honestly, between the two of them she wasn't sure which was more trouble.

"You know, the florist down the street thinks we're married," Xellos said quietly.

Filia turned mortified eyes on him. "You told her we're not, right?" she demanded.

"Of course," Xellos said comfortingly. "I assured her that we're just sleeping together."

Filia's mortification deepened. "You did what—"

"Seems like Val's run into a bit of trouble," Xellos cut her off with a nod to the playground.

Filia's head whipped back towards the playground. Her son was approaching her looking troubled indeed.

Filia leaned down to child-height. "What's wrong, sweetheart?" she asked.

"I—" the five-year-old began, "I wanna play in the fort," he said awkwardly.

"Well then, why don't you?" Filia said encouragingly.

"I can't," Val said, rubbing his arm ruefully.

"Why not?" Filia asked.

"'Cause Ginny's there," Val answered, as though the girl's name had dark, hidden meaning.

Both Filia and Xellos looked up at the fort where a single little pig-tailed girl with a rhinestone tiara on her head was talking with a dolly. She hardly cut a threatening figure.

"I'm sure if you ask Ginny nicely she'd be happy to share the fort with you," Filia said using her special talking-to-children voice.

"Nuh-uh!" Val insisted. "She doesn't like me!"

"Everyone likes you," Filia said in a voice that believed what it was saying 110%.

"Not her."

"Does she not like you," Xellos asked carefully, "or does she just not like you as much as you like her?"

Val's face told a story, and it was an easy to read story with cardboard pages and big letters. Filia gave Xellos a fleeting look of amazement. Val's first crush. And she hadn't been the first one to notice it! Damn that observant bastard!

"What do I gotta do to make her like me?" Val asked, and to Filia's horror she found that he was asking Xellos.

Sure, it probably made some sense to Val. Xellos might have pretty purple hair, but he was still the male role model in Val's life (unfortunately) so that probably made him the go-to person for advice on girls. But still! You do not ask a monster for dating advice! Someone ought to write that down…

"Just be nice to her," Filia cut in before Xellos could respond. "Maybe compliment her tiara," she suggested brightly.

Val looked at his mom's fixed smile for a moment, and then turned his gaze back to Xellos who shook his head. Filia's smile dropped so quickly she might have cracked a tooth.

"If you really want to impress her then do not be nice to her and definitely don't compliment her," Xellos said. Then he paused, gave the matter some thought, and added: "Unless you insult her before or after you compliment her. That actually works twice as well."

"What— How can you—?!" Filia began, flabbergasted.

"Pull her hair," Xellos suggested. "Make faces at her, chase her, call her names—"

"That's enough!" Filia standing up as she shouted over him. "Val is not going to do any such mean-spirited, ridiculous—"

"'Kay," Val said, and ran back to the playground as fast as his little legs would carry him.

Filia stared after her son for a moment, and then turned a fiery glare on Xellos. "You—" she began.

"What?" he had the nerve to ask innocently.

"How dare you tell my son to do those awful things!"

"I thought it was pretty good advice," Xellos said smoothly.

"It's not!" Filia exploded. "What gives you the right to sabotage my son's first crush?"

"Sabotaging?" Xellos repeated, as if the word was hurtful. "I'm not sabotaging. I'm helping."

"You are not!" Filia shouted back. "What kind of girl would actually respond positively to that kind of treatment?"

Xellos shrugged. "It worked on you," he said.

Filia froze, struck dumb. Then she slowly sat down next to him and scowled off to the side. "It didn't work on me," she insisted. "You're just lucky I tolerate your disgraceful behavior."

"Your patience is legendary," Xellos commented in a voice that didn't sound sarcastic, but Filia knew better.

"Hmph!" Filia responded, crossing her arms. "Well, I won't have to be patient for long to see your advice fail."

"My advice won't fail because it is excellent," Xellos said assuredly. "Perhaps you should start picking up parenting tips from me, Filia," he said, turning to her. "After all, I am the World's Best Dad."

Filia sucked in an exasperated breath. "Just because you buy a mug doesn't make you—"

"Look," Xellos said, pointing up to the fort. "The plan's already working. She's paying much more attention to him now."

"She just threw her doll at his face," Filia said, torn between feeling triumphant over Xellos and worried over her son's feelings.

"Yes," Xellos said, as if this was the best possible result anyone could hope for. "She's certainly noticed him now!"

"And now she's crying!" Filia said accusingly as the little girl ran out of the fort.

"Crocodile tears," Xellos said dismissively. "See? She just turned around to stick her tongue out at him. If she's feisty enough to do that then she's fine."

"Well, she certainly doesn't like him for this," Filia said angrily. "Negative attention is not as good as positive attention, you know," she reminded him.

"It's even better."

"It is not! You're missing the point here!"

"And that is?" Xellos asked.

"The point is that he wanted her to like him, not hate his guts!"

"Mark my words," Xellos said, "she won't be able to stop thinking about him."

"Because she hates him," Filia clarified.

"It'll start that way, of course," he allowed.

Filia glared. "You know, there are healthier, less manipulative ways to go about a relationship," she said reproachfully.

Xellos shrugged. "I teach what I know," he said.

"Then maybe you shouldn't teach at all!"

"We'll have to have a discussion about our different parenting styles later," Xellos said, looking beyond her. "I think Ginny's mother would like a word with you."

"What?" Filia said, turning around to see a very irate looking woman coming toward her carrying a teary but haughty looking little girl in one arm, and dragging Val by the pointed ear with the other one. She turned around again. Xellos was gone.

"Come back here, you creep!" she shouted at the empty air. "This is all your fault and you have to answer for it!"

But her words echoed in the empty air. She sat back angrily waiting for the inevitable chewing out from Ginny's mother. Here was one woman who wasn't at all impressed by Xellos's tactics.

But then again, Filia thought, maybe Xellos should give romantic advice to five-year-olds. After all, he has about their maturity level in that area.

Jerk.

…

…I wonder when he'll be back?