Slayers - Excuses

Excuses.

Sometimes it’s just not prudent to ask too many questions. After the previous day’s very draining and costly battle against a pair of monsters with an axe to grind against them, most of Lina Inverse’s crew wasn’t inclined to start making a fuss about minor social inconsistencies amongst the group. After all, they were so tapped out of magical power after the fight, that they’d spent all the energy they had left on healing the most major of their wounds. With fresh cuts and bruises still uncured and lacking defenses if they got ambushed again, it was much more important that they keep a careful eye on things as they traveled along the road than it was to examine why things were just ever so slightly “weird” between two of their traveling companions.

It wasn’t as though the behavior was completely unexplainable, anyway. They’d all have been toast if Xellos hadn’t shown up when he did with his veiled threats about Beastmaster and the others “not liking” what their foes were up to. Heck, he’d personally blocked a downwardly stabbing claw that had been meant for Filia. She always got a little awkward when she had reason to be grateful to him. Granted, she usually dealt with being in his debt by sticking out her lower lip and giving him the cold shoulder or by furiously alleging that he had some sort of wicked, backhanded motive for helping her. However, twisting her hands behind her back and throwing him anxiously searching looks was another perfectly normal way to respond to something like that.

It would also explain Xellos’s extra smug expression. Though it didn’t do much to explain why this smugness was occasionally switched out for a look of uncharacteristic hesitation, particularly right after aforementioned anxiously searching looks from Filia.

Looking back with the context of the strange atmosphere between the two in mind, it did occur to some of their friends that it was a bit unusual that the monster and the dragon had down to breakfast at the exact same time that morning. Still… that by itself wasn’t exactly damning evidence of any sort of… unusual event. They’d come down late, so everyone else was already at breakfast and couldn’t confirm whether they’d simply met up in the hall of the inn on their way down or not.

There was, however, a slightly more compelling mark of suspicion amongst them that any keen-eyed observer could pick up on. Again, though, most of them felt that it was better not to ask questions about it. Asking questions was dangerous. After all, they might get answers that most of them really did not want to hear.

“Hey Filia, what’s that weird bruise on your neck?”

...Most, though not all.

“I mean, did you get it in the fight yesterday or something?” Gourry went on as Filia slapped a hand over the side of her neck. “‘Cause I didn’t remember you having that.”

Lina sighed and rolled her eyes at Gourry as Zelgadis purposefully turned awy from the rest of the group. Amelia and Xellos watched Filia carefully for her response.

“I… it’s nothing,” Filia tried, knowing that spontaneous wound formation was probably not the best explanation in the world. “A… a bug bite, that’s all,” she added, not doing much better.

This appeared to be too much for the rational-minded Zelgadis, despite his desire to absolutely not be involved in this conversation. “That would have to be one big bug,” he muttered.

“It was,” Filia confirmed, trying to ignore a snickering Xellos as she straightened out her cloak to regain some dignity. “A huge pest,” she added pointedly.

“Oh, was it?” Xellos asked, seeming to take a strange amount of offense to Filia’s exterminating problems. “That’s funny, because I didn’t see any insects crawling around last night.”

“You wouldn’t,” Filia countered cryptically.

“Gee, I didn’t see any bugs either, and that place seemed so nice,” Gourry said, scratching his hair as he considered the turn of events. He turned to Lina, with a somewhat worried: “You don’t think we picked up any bed bugs, do you?”

“No, Gourry,” Lina answered through gritted teeth as she rubbed her forehead ruefully, “I’m pretty sure we didn’t.”

“Oh, so it must’ve been some other bug then,” Gourry concluded mildly.

“Yes, tell us all about this alleged bug who allegedly took a large bite out of your neck last night, Filia,” Xellos prodded, pronouncing every word as though it was suspect. “I’m sure we’d all love to hear about him.”

“I’m not sure that’s really necessary,” Amelia tried, holding out her hands as a bead of sweat dripped down her forehead.

“No, it’s fine,” Filia said boldly, leaning toward Xellos to take his challenge. “As a matter of fact, it was a cockroach.”

“Oh, do tell,” Xellos commented in a mock-intrigued voice.

“That’s right!” Filia said, nostrils flaring slightly. “A filthy, garbage-dwelling cockroach!”

“How terribly ghastly for you,” Xellos returned, all insincere sympathy, “to have such a thing caressing your neck as you lay in bed. I can only imagine the sound you must’ve let out when that happened.”

“Do we really have to have this conversation?” Lina asked with a groan as Filia blushed. “I mean, couldn’t we at least wait until we’re not being targeted by enemies that could tear us to pieces without breaking a sweat?”

“There’s just one thing I can’t quite figure out about your explanation,” Xellos went on, voice heightening critically as he completely ignored Lina’s plea to abandon this line of inquiry. “I’d always been under the impression that cockroaches, however maligned, didn’t actually bite people.”

“This one did,” Filia maintained.

“How peculiar,” Xellos commented. “Did any crumbs of food from dinner perchance to fall on your neck to confuse the ‘cockroach’ or do you just have a particularly sweet tasting neck?”

Zelgadis reflected with a grimace that, were he to shoot himself, the bullet would probably ricochet harmlessly off his rocky skin.

“I wouldn’t know,” Filia said. Her tone was cold, but her face was just a degree away from projecting actual steam. “I’m not an expert on cockroaches,” she added with a certain “takes one to know one” implication.

“Well then, perhaps it was just a love bite,” Xellos suggested diplomatically.

“…This is starting to sound like a weird cockroach,” Gourry commented, feeling only the very beginnings of disquiet.

“Starting?!” Lina repeated in disbelief.

“Well, he could’ve been more discreet,” Filia hissed directly back at Xellos, ignoring the other two. “The cockroach, that is.”

“Oh, but I’m sure he’s the very definition of discreet,” Xellos protested, wagging his finger in the same pose that he might use to tell them something was a secret. “You could’ve worn a bandage over the mark, after all.”

“And you could stop going out of your way to poke holes in my cockroach explanation, Mr. Discreet!” Filia whisper-yelled at him. She was turned away slightly from the others to give the impression that she thought she was speaking only to him, but lacked the volume control to stop the others from actually hearing her.

He digested this allegation for a moment, and then appeared to make up his mind. “I suppose you’re right,” he decided. “Then I will have to go ahead and withdraw my questions.” He waved a hand at the rest of the group. “And I’m sure the others are perfectly satisfied with your not-at-all ludicrous excuse for your hi—” he stopped and corrected himself—“bug bite.”

“Yes!” Lina shouted, eager to have the conversation over and done with.

“Umm… sure,” Amelia said, looking uncertainly from Xellos to Filia.

“For the sake of our mental health, yes,” Zelgadis said, arms crossed.

“What… were we supposed to think something else?” Gourry asked without a trace of irony.

“There, you see?” Xellos asked, turning to Filia with a broad grin. “All taken care of—discreetly.” He punctuated that last word by holding up his index finger.

Filia muttered something under her breath, but at least seemed mollified enough to let the subject drop.

Xellos smiled. It was best this way. Set the foundations of order and propriety wobbling, but never quite let them go crashing down. Now things were settled again, for the moment. Though he couldn’t help but feel a certain… unfinished quality. It was like a tickle under his skin, prodding him to keep going instead of quitting while he was ahead.

“There is… just one more question I’d like to ask,” he said, giving in to the desire.

“What?” Filia asked irritably.

He put on his best innocent face. “What kind of roach did you say it was again?”

Steam actually did shoot out of her face. “You!” she shrieked, reaching for her mace as he disappeared, only to reappear a few feet away.

“It was only a question!” he called from the distance.

She answered his question by swinging her mace through the air he occupied as he teleported farther away again.

The others watched them as they chased each other around the forest. “There’s going to be no living with them now, is there?” Zelgadis asked glumly.

“Pretty much,” Lina agreed, scratching at her hair. “But it’s not like we can say we didn’t see this coming.”

“True,” Zelgadis was forced to agree.

“Still,” Amelia said with a sense that the universe wasn’t functioning quite as advertised, “you’d think that now that they’ve finally consummated their feelings that they’d be a little more… you know… loving to each other.”

Lina gestured helplessly out to the pair in the woods. Filia had successfully split an ancient tree in two through the sheer force of her rage, but Xellos had just phased over to a different tree. “I think this might be as good as it gets.”

“Maybe,” Amelia said. In an effort to hold out some hope, though, she added: “then again, we don’t know what they’re like when they’re alone.”

“Are…” Gourry began, puzzlement and disgust fighting for dominance on his wrinkling brow, “are we still talking about Filia and the cockroach?”

“Jellyfish-brain!” Lina yelled, smacking her elbow into his gut. “The cockroach is Xellos!”